


clouds, me, pass by

by oliwellwhocares



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Character Study, First Kiss, M/M, yes it's barely 1k but it's still studying ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23562082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliwellwhocares/pseuds/oliwellwhocares
Summary: A moment in a story, about memories and love and growing up and growing old. Mostly, it's kids running around.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	clouds, me, pass by

**Author's Note:**

> i was hoping to write more of Alluka in this but it didn't work out, so i hope you're ready for 1k of Literally Just Gon Thoughts, enjoy

It’s a strange thing, not to know how to live without someone else.

Not just any ‘someone else’, of course. Without Killua.

Maybe, he thinks, and his legs are dangling in the empty space high, high above the sea, and the wind is so strong he feels like he might fall at any second, maybe he never knew how to live at all.

Gon has a great memory. He remembers being so much younger, and running around in circles on this island, looking for something, anything to show him where to go. A truth revealed, a new lie, anything.

He remembers learning about Ging. From the start, he never really thought about him as his dad. It’s a strange concept, a father, and one he never really felt like it was truly his. But it was something, someone, it was Ging, a direction in which to walk and run and fly and stumble and fall.

He remembers every minute spent with Leorio, Kurapika, Biscuit, Kite, Knuckle, Killua. He remembers all those moments, those when he thought, _I will always remember this_ , and the others too. The glint of Wing’s glasses as he talked about Nen. Hisoka’s horrifying smile. Kurapika hiding their mouth when they laughed. The sadness in Leorio’s eyes when he looked at them. The dimple in Killua’s cheek when he made fun of him, the glow in Killua’s face when he received a compliment, the color of Killua’s eyes reflecting the stars, the despair in Killua’s voice as he screamed his name.

He doesn’t know if he was right, yet. He doesn't know if he will think about this when he’s old and his hair is as white as his friend’s. For now, he’s thirteen, almost fourteen, and he’s back to square one. He supposes it’s a good time to think about himself as an old man for the first time. Back on the island, powerless, still, and waiting. Will he be like that when he’s old, still waiting? 

It feels unfair, that he would get another shot at this. If he can get another chance at growing old, can he really get another shot at growing better too?

He’s waiting, and there’s a boat on the ocean. The boat has been there for a while, and Gon almost forgot about tracking its approach. Now, the boat is still on the ocean, but it’s so close, and the boy stands up so fast that he almost falls, shocked away from his thoughts by the fact that there’s one thing that he knows he’s waiting for, and he knows it’s coming for sure.

Gon starts running, fast enough that his thoughts from the cliff almost don’t catch up with him. Almost, but they do, of course, and _You’ll have to learn to live without him eventually._

He knows that. He’ll learn, he’ll try. Later. For now he runs, bare feet on dirt and rocks and skipping across the roots in the forest, and then the cobblestones of the port. The boat isn’t quite here yet, but it’s so close already, and he can see two pairs of brilliant blue eyes. Alluka is waving enthusiastically, and he thinks he can almost hear the pearls clacking in her hair. Killua is just leaning against the railing, but unmistakably looking at him. Gon waves back, of course he does. 

The boat gets closer, and closer, and he feels like the wood of the deck is burning against his feet. And then Killua jumps.

The first time, the captain screamed at them for fifteen solid minutes, while Gon crushed Killua in his arms, and Alluka choked herself laughing.

The captain is used to it, now. It’s the third time they’re here, in almost a year. Still, Killua jumps, and Gon catches him in his arms. They stumble, they don’t fall, and it feels like it anyway.

When you miss someone so much, every hour with them feels like a second. Time doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow down, and in fact it keeps accelerating, while Alluka waits a little bit more before jumping off the ship, laughing again. While they go up the hill, and Mito hugs them, all three, repeatedly. She’s laughing, too. It’s hard to get memories to be sure of when it’s like that. They eat so fast that Gon would doubt that they had a meal at all, if he didn’t know that his stomach would never allow that. 

They run and jump all day, and Gon is sure of where they are, because this is his island. But he doesn’t know if he’ll know that forever, because he knows it so thoroughly and there’s so much about Killua and Alluka that he has yet to learn. 

It’s evening when time takes a break. Aunt Mito made them promise to come back for dinner, so they’re walking up the path, and Alluka’s hand is pressed in Gon’s. That’s the first thing he really notices: her hand is warm, and barely smaller than his, and his thought when the clock ticks suddenly slower is _she’ll probably grow tall, too._

What makes time stop, really, is that Killua is the one growing tall, suddenly. It lasts while Gon looks at his head. He’s farther up the hill, so it makes sense that he would seem taller, but Gon knows that he’s really been growing, lately, while Gon hasn't. Alluka kicks a rock along the path, and time rushes by again. 

The water is cold, Killua complains the loudest that they have to wait until Abe comes back from the village, they fight over the last potato that Alluka steals, Killua sleeps through the night, Gon wakes up only twice, and Alluka takes the longest time falling asleep, the sun wakes them without even being really up, they run and jump, and the second time, Gon is holding Killua’s hand.

It’s his first thought, this time. How funny it is, that it alternates like that. Killua's hand feels like it's exactly the size of his. Alluka is talking again, about the stars, and pointing to a patch of them to explain that they actually represent a child holding a cat. “The child is four years old,” she says, and Killua is nodding very seriously, looking mostly at the sky and a little bit at Gon, which means that the difficult duty to tell Alluka that it does _not_ look like anything she’s describing falls to him. Looking at the newly-born constellation again, Killua is already laughing even while Gon is barely opening his mouth. 

None of them sleep, that night, and come morning, they’re leaving. They leave. Alluka leaves, Killua leaves. They can’t stay, he knows that. It’s two days exactly after they arrived. Alluka is packing, and Killua’s lips burn on his cheek, and when he pulls away, Gon feels like he’s freezing.

Killua doesn’t say that he’ll come back, Gon doesn’t say that he loves him. They don’t talk, but Gon kisses him next. It’s his first kiss, it’s a first with Killua’s hands holding strongly onto his, without hurting, and already Gon has to stand on his tip toes.

They don’t talk. He’ll be back, he loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> I sort of tried to make this about like, growing up? in a way? about things that change and things that don't, and i hope it sort of worked out! regardless, if you liked this, please leave a comment it would make my day and probably my week, and thanks for reading!


End file.
